My mother had a circus-like ability to tell anyone their weight with spot on accuracy; it always seemed that she used it on me at my most vulnerable moments as growing up, I was overweight and no matter what size I was, I was always uncomfortable with my body. I must have gained and lost a whole person in those pre-cancer years. My mother would stare at my body in a creepy invasive manner and say, “What are you, 150 pounds?”
“Pretty cool trick mom.” I said, while biting into a delicious, dark chocolate, calorie-filled brownie,” defiantly rejecting my mother’s passive-aggressive comment. Adding to her criticism about my being overweight was her tendency to encourage all of us to keep eating the massive amounts of food and desserts she would put on the table.
I eventually accepted my body and so when I was shopping for a wedding gown my mother suggested, “Don’t you want to lose weight?”
“No, Mom. This is my body. Take it or leave it.”
After a pause, she said, “I’ll take it” and that was the last comment ever about my weight.
For years, I thought of my body simply as a vehicle to get around with until the arrival of cancer, treatment, recurrences, and remissions. The physical exhaustion, emotional stress, fear, and anxiety made me think of my body every day, even hourly. Cancer stopped everything and was all consuming.
After 5 years of a cancer rollercoaster, a reiki master told me at the end of our session, “Your body is fighting for survival.” I didn’t know what to do with her message, not even sure I wanted a body fighting for survival, but sometimes life has a way of offering us life lessons: her message eventually penetrated and my mission became to match my diminished emotional state with my body’s fight for survival. I wanted a new attitude.
MSK’s integrative medicine program has zoom classes appropriately called fitness for stronger bones, core strength and more. Taking these classes eventually led me to the Empire Dragon Boat Racing Team, where at 72 years old I am taking my body seriously for the first time.
The coach on the Empire Dragon team is a retired MSK nurse, who coaxes us to do our best, to get fit so we can win – in more ways than one. She is compassionate, knowledgeable, and has an endearing giggle. Her dedication to the team is infectious, and I am feeling stronger and more positive.
In addition to the exercise classes I joined a gym so I can be prepared for rowing with a team of strong, fabulous women — fellow cancer survivors. The gym however is filled with men and women who are young enough to be my grandchildren, so I often feel a bit out of place, especially when I see women in the dressing room posing in front of the mirror photographing themselves in sexy poses. I admire their unabashed vanity but at my age, I will take strength!