When I was growing up amusement rides would come around to our neighborhood. My favorite was the half-moon, a giant half circle with rows of benches inside, perched on a truck. It would swing back and forth, higher, and higher. The top row was the most challenging. One time when I was lucky enough to get a top row seat, the half-moon swung and when it was as high as it could go, my glasses fell off — sadly, that was the last time I went on that ride.
But no matter which ride we went on there was always a prize at the end. My favorite was red wax lips which were chewable once we finished showing off our big beautiful shiny red lips that filled up most of our faces. We would prance around feeling glamorous.
Those big wax lips pop back into my mind, most often when I watch the news and see an attractive newswoman with unnaturally large lips, lips that do not fit her face any better than then the big wax ones fit ours, yet we all thought it was beautiful. After the absurdity of big wax lips, my next thought is what is wrong with natural aging?
There are so many products to support this fountain of youth which led me to wonder about its’ origins. I believe it started with Ponce de Leon, an explorer searching for the Fountain of Youth in Florida, of all places, the home of millions of senior citizens. A Taino Indian legend places the fountain in Bimini, now Florida, and would “restore youth to those who bathed in their waters.” However, I am thinking that it is all a big misunderstanding that got way out of hand, a misnomer that everyone bought into and prospers from, that consumers were brainwashed to believe which allowed it to blow up into a billion-dollar industry. I am thinking it started when missionaries tried to convert anyone who would listen, by speaking about the teachings of Jesus. They might have spoken about how the fountain of youth is found “in the grace of God.” Jesus said, “But the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of living water springing up into eternal life.” I do not think he meant it literally, but as humans we tend to be concrete thinkers, especially with misunderstandings that occur when language barriers exist, which I’m guessing happened often.
Those listening to the missionaries might have looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, with confused looks and asked, “Do you know what they are talking about?
“Maybe something about water springing up.”
“Oh, I’d like to see that.”
“Yeah, I think they said it makes you young again.”
“No, I think that you live forever.”
“I wouldn’t mind living forever if I could stay young.”
“What are you worried about? You are only 33.”
“You’re never too young to start worrying.”
The Taino Indians and everyone else thereafter reconfigured His words into a literal fountain which evolved into youth restoring products.
But I digress. TV personalities are our role models and now younger generations have TikTok. There is a clothing store in the mall that is called Forever Young which I refuse to go into on principle because being young again is the last thing I want. I worry that when we put so much focus on staying youthful, we are missing any benefits that may come with aging but gets overlooked because only youth is valued.
There is so much focus on Botox and collagen to remove wrinkles. I was speaking to a young woman, probably in her late 20’s who mentioned a friend her age was getting her first “preventive Botox shot.” Neither of us had a clue as to what that meant, but I hear people lamenting, “Oh no, I’m getting old,” and the next thing, they are immediately making so called beauty appointments.
Then there is plastic surgery. There is a woman I know, a friend of a friend I have known for many years and see maybe once or twice a year. When I first met her, I thought she was beautiful, but as the years went by her lips got larger, the skin on her face got tighter, and miraculously her breasts got larger. To me, her new look is similar to that of a mannequin, and I secretly hope she will stop getting plastic surgery because I keep picturing her eventually looking like Jocelyn Wildenstein, better known as Catwoman, the woman who admits to have developed a “taste for cosmetic enhancements.”
I am saddened that resistance to aging goes further than physical appearance, and that we miss the gifts of aging. Yes, I do believe there are gifts and a certain wisdom that comes with age. Now that I am in my 70’s I see a wiser, more self-accepting person than I was in my 20’s. My interests now evolve around self-growth, spirituality, and creativity whereas in my 20’s it was getting high and going to concerts in between trying to pave a professional path. I can now breathe a sigh of relief and enjoy the life I created, be proud of my accomplishments, smile forgivingly at my mistakes and admire some of my role models, Hellen Mirren and Meryl Streep. They are on the top of my list because they appear to be committed to aging gracefully. Neither of the women had cosmetic enhancements, which I admire because their soft loose skin and lines in their faces make them look more beautiful and speak to their bold life journeys. To me their natural looks symbolize strength, resilience, self-acceptance and lives well-lived.
Some years ago, my husband and I learned an important life lesson at a winter clearance sale. I went with him to find him a winter coat. He tried on a leather bomber jacket and before I can respond, a man came out of the blue, looked at him and said, “No. A man your age needs something more distinguished.” He rifled through the jackets and picked out something else. “Here try this on.” Obediently and stunned by this man’s sudden appearance and bold direction, my husband tried it on, and we were all immediately pleased by this leather jacket with a nice collar, button down that went just past his hips. He looked so handsome in it. When my husband turned to thank this wise stranger, he was gone. Shortly after, at the cash register my husband turned to me thoughtfully and said, “You know, I think that man was my muse.” Looking distinguished instead of looking younger, what a life lesson!
But this resistance to aging speaks to a larger issue. As a society we have little tolerance for old people, and especially old, sick people. I think there are many people who cannot distinguish between the two. I do not want to talk politics, but President Biden keeps coming into my head when I think about aging. Because his gait is slow, he speaks in a low voice and at times it takes him a while to get to his point, rumors circulated that he was too old and senile. I do not know the specifics of his mental state, but I do know that as we age, our processing is slower. For example, turning on the gas range, “Which way is high? Oh, of course. What was I thinking? It is this way.” It is the normal course of aging, sadly slower but not to be confused with dementia where thought processes are impaired, “What is this dial for?” Slowness is not necessarily impaired, but we are impatient, and saddened by the loss of youth, and easily dismiss aging people.
Someone in one of my caregiver support groups spoke about how now that his wife is so ill their friends come by less and less. He said, “Who wants to deal with a sick bird?” The sadness of this rejection pierces my heart because each person still has value.
My mother had dementia and one day when we were all visiting, out of the blue she started talking about Frank Sinatra concerts where they’d hear an ambulance siren go off before his entrance because he was so skinny. Where did that come from? It hardly mattered because we would never be able to figure it out anyway, but it was pleasant and funny, and we all shared a moment together. When I visited a memory unit in an assisted living facility as part of my hospice work there was a woman who lost her speech so when I said hello to her, she looked up at me and laughed, then I laughed back, we laughed with each other and that became our connection. If I passed by without acknowledging her, she would point at me and laugh. It was a warm lovely precious relationship. Sure, it is not the way we want life to be but there are gems everywhere if we open our eyes, our hearts, and look for small special moments without judgement.