I recently read that new year resolutions began with Julius Cesar who named January to be Janus, the god of doorways and new beginnings, shifting from one state to another. The article continues to say that the new year resolutions we are more familiar with, to exercise more and diet, come from the Protestant strong work ethic, “Where religious consistency and restraint from pleasure exist.”
I like the image of a doorway to new beginnings, for me it speaks to seeking a different frame of mind, less task oriented and more about establishing a different outlook. This different outlook is about having cancer in my life for 5 1/2 years, from diagnosis and treatment, to having several remissions and recurrences. It is not going away and so the new beginning I seek is about acceptance.
I was in a cancer support group recently where I raged at cancer, while someone else who has been living with cancer twice as long as I have, spoke about acceptance. When I heard that, it felt like surrender, and I just wasn’t ready to give up anger because it has tremendous energy which is both invigorating and frightening, though admittedly I don’t really know what to do with all that energy. I repressed anger all my life, and now that it flows so freely, I realize I don’t really understand this confusing emotion. Is it useful? Why are we all so uncomfortable with anger?
I feel uneasy when I lose my temper but at the same time, I feel satisfaction from the indignant, self-righteous feeling, maybe because there is something unexplainably comical about it. I was wronged by the crappy bugger that keeps winning rounds. I have a right to be angry, but then what? What do I do with the energy anger produces? I could distract myself and exercise or clean out some jammed up closets, but the reason the anger is there doesn’t go away, and the best that can be done is trying to control lymphoma with the clinical trial I am currently on. At the time of this writing, it seems that I won the last round because I am in remission for the 3rd time. I realize however crazy this sounds, I am angry at being in remission because it is yet another change that I have to get used to.
I would like to be as happy about it as other people in my life are when I tell them, but I know the fight is not over. I just went through a passage of time where I had low level lymphoma, and in the battling rink I suppose it was a stalemate, but now with remission? I won a round, but at this point in time, I know more about life with cancer than I do without it. Cancer is the primary event and everything else takes second place. It’s a valid reason for not being so productive, because the side effects are exhausting. But I am in remission after all, so maybe I could do more than thrive, however the plethora of side effects always accompany me on this complicated life journey, so remission is not the joyful state that I’d like it to be.
But back to this doorway of new beginnings: I want this new beginning, but cancer has become part of my identity. How do I move forward with all my baggage and make a shift from one state of mind to another? How do I accept cancer in my life? Do I make friends with it? It’s already like an unwanted guest that doesn’t leave. How can I live peacefully with that?
The double edge sword, or balance comes to mind when I’m looking for answers. Yes, there is anger, but there is also calm, especially on days when physical symptoms subside, and I feel almost normal. On those days I love being physically active.
Timing is everything; as I am putting together this essay, it was so fitting to see a Facebook message from Suleika Jaouad, a cancer survivor who has developed a successful writing career centering on her cancer battle. She wrote, “Our forever work is to hold the brutal and beautiful in the same palm.” This resonates and is exactly what I am trying to do.
Sometimes when the anger just pours out of me, and luckily for both of us, my husband is a pretty patient guy who also has a hearing problem. I feel a bit of relief after, as the energy originally focused on yelling, blaming, and demanding, eventually subsides which makes me wonder, who was that person? The energy it creates sometimes sparks a creative flow.
After having a bout of stomach upset or relief from skin issues, I feel a delightful peaceful state of mind, and I enjoy the calm that overcomes me for however long it lasts.
I am finding that I actually like anger; it makes me feel more real; I no longer relate to the “good girl” image I was raised with, but I do, however, need to find a safer way to express anger. So, in this new year I will try to walk through the door of new beginnings with mindfulness. I’m learning that whatever obstacles I experience will eventually pass, darkness and light co-exist.
I’ll try to make the best of whatever comes my way, good or bad, however long it lasts, and I will also remember something an old dearly departed friend once told me: everything is grist for the mill.